Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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