Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
