i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
