She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
