So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
