If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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