where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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