She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
