he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
