You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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