I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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