i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
