Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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