Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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