Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
