I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
