i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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