you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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