i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
