My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
