the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
