her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
