Pappa wants mamma naked
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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