Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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