We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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