Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
