come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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