I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
