it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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