I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
