I am puke
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
