News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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