Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
