I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I did not marry a roomba.
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