She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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