Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
