so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
