so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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