Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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