Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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