i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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