Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
