I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
