Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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