Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
