When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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