My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
