He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
