she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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