now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
