i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
