I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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