My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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