It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
