I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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