I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
