Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
