I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
