i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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