sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
