Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
